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I am Not a Survivor
It’s my 28th birthday. And I’m contemplating writing a memoir. To do this, I need to face some hard truths about my childhood. Thinking about how open and honest Jeanette Walls was in Glass Castles, I wrote down the hardest part. It turned into a sort of poem. This is not easy to write, or read, but I’m sharing it in hopes that others identify with my truth.
TW: Trigger Warning for mentions of molestation, rape, and abuse.
When people learn about my childhood abuse, they usually have one of two reactions: Shock or pity.
I understand the shock from people who were never abused, or are still naive. The can’t fathom how the man that everyone liked, who raised me as a second father from age four on, could have hurt me sexually. They really can’t understand how it went on for over four years while I was in 6-10th grade (11-15). Or how it happened to boys as well (“But he’s straight?!”).
There’s also the shock that I’m not a hooker, nor was I a pregnant teen, or ever on drugs. I get this reaction. It’s what they hear on the news, and drama TV shows, as what happens to girls like me. I nod and say, “Yep, I turned out alright,” before moving on to a more comfortable topic for them. Perhaps my multiple degrees, or happy family life.
I get the pity too, though I can’t stand it. Sure, feel sorry for me, whatever, shit happens. It is a sorry world that this bullshit occurs every day to too many children. But don’t tell me, “You’re a survivor!” Like it’s some big accomplishment for making it through my day.
I am not a survivor. A woman who was raped, assaulted, beaten, and/or molested against her will is a survivor. She survived that incident. Or multiple incidents. She fought her demons and came out ahead, living her life despite her attacker’s attempts to diminish her. She should be celebrated!
But I am not a survivor. I lived my life. I was groomed. My first introduction to my sexuality was from my molester. My step-father. This happened daily to weekly, sometimes with months in between. For years.
But I’m not a survivor. To say I’m a survivor is to put the power in my molester’s hands. I did not survive him, I lived my life. I was a strong, independent person before him, and I am a strong independent person after. I don’t need pity or celebration for my personality, I need friends who know sh*t happens, and don’t care.
I am not a survivor, but I’m also not unchanged. He is in prison for a minimum of 20 years, max 30. At 62 and in bad health, that is a life sentence. But I still have intrusive thoughts. I still can’t imagine being intimate with a bald or overly hairy man, let alone anyone who is old enough to be my father. The smell of cigarettes or old spice gives me hives. But I’m so thankful to have a loving and supportive husband who gets these things and helped make me whole.
I am not a survivor. I am a strong, independent woman, who doesn’t take any crap. Because I know how shitty life can be if you let it. Don’t pity me, don’t celebrate me, see me.
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What the heck is YA Speculative Fiction?
I get this question from nearly everyone who asks about my writing. People read books in the genre they are accustomed to, based off the recommendations of friends or their e-book store, or simply because they liked the cover art. The exception is other writers, publisher’s, agents, librarians, and book bloggers. We have to be in the know, because we are writing, selling, and stocking these stories based on what’s inside. What I did not know before delving into the writing world, is that the books I read have an entirely different labeling system to agents and publishers than they do in the bookstore. You see Fiction, Non-Fiction, Science Fiction, Mystery, Comedy, and Drama, but there are dozens more!
Many people have a favorite genre, but I’m a true bookworm. I read classics in Jr. High (L’Engle, Austen, Montgomery, Bradbury, Twain), SciFi in high school because a boyfriend suggested Ender’s Game, and then satire or fantasy in college to escape my History and Education texts. Harry Potter was my own little world from age 12-20 when the series ended. I’d read all these favorites a dozen times each, and rarely picked up new authors without a recommendation from someone else. Then, the summer I got engaged, I was struck by the simple and beautiful covers of the Twilight series. I devoured the first two overnight, and even tried adult vampire stories, but didn’t like them. Suddenly, I was a fan of Young Adult novels. A huge fan. So much so that when I started to write, all my ideas fit in this genre. That is when I learned the many distinctions and nuances in fiction.
So, how do you explain a whole book to people outside the novelist bubble when you are used to doing it with acronyms? Most people don’t even know the word for novel in the publishing world is “trade.” I’ll admit, before I started wring a speculative fiction novel, I only knew them as Dystopian. This is such a new word in our ethos that spell check tells me to change it to Utopian. Simply put, Speculative Fiction, or SpecFic, can technically be Utopian and Science Fiction, but it is most often represented on Earth, in the not to distant future, usually characterized by a re-formed but overbearing government (Think The Hunger Games, Matched, The Giver, or Divergent). For some reason, these highly popular stories have skyrocketed in the media. Maybe that could be The Hunger Games having such good movie adaptation the reached a broader audience who then clamored for more. Whatever the reason, YA SpecFic appeals to many people today.
First thing, Young Adult is not a genre. But it kind of is. But it’s really not. It is fiction (literary or non-literary) that is written, published, and marketed to adolescents. It used to be called Juvenile fiction, which is why I didn’t read it in high school. According to Publisher’s Weekly and many other polls I have seen and agreed with in the past few years, more than half of YA readers are over 18. Often, books are put in YA based on the characters’ ages, even though many of those books would really be Middle Grade or the emerging genre of New Adult. Does the book have sex described and not just implied? New Adult. Does the book have characters that haven’t realized girls are pretty yet? Middle Grade. Somewhere in between? Young Adult.
And this cuts to the core of what YA is: any story where what keeps you reading is the character growth. Technically, YA is defined as the plot being emphasized instead of theme and style, but I believe the themes are just different than novels written for and about adults. The point of your later teen years is how you learn and become a full person, encountering problems and experiences for the first time. It doesn’t matter if it is the classics works of Oliver Twist or Huckleberry Finn, fantastical drama series like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, or critically acclaimed modern pop favorites The Fault in Our Stars or The Outsiders, they are all good books. So what is YA? Books for people who like to read about the in between times in life. Occasionally set in a fairy land or Post-Apocalyptic America…Do you love YA? Hate it? Don’t get it?
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Book reviews and Ratings
All readers have their own way of reviewing a book. Brutally honest, overwhelmingly positive, full of gushing praise with gifs for emphasis, or always negative
because you hate everything. Book bloggers are often lucky to get free ARC’s, Advanced Reader Copies, of books to review. Recently, I’ve noticed a common opinion. If you receive an ARC, people expect you to be overwhelmingly nice. I know this has to do with bringing an average down, but shouldn’t you be truthful?I have a simple ratings system on Goodreads (also Amazon and B&N), and try to be as complimentary as possible while telling the truth. 5 stars means I put it straight on my Favorites shelf and either re-read it immediately, or buy the sequel immediately. I want everything by that author and perhaps a new tattoo. Maybe not a perfect book, but perfect for me. 4 stars is for a great book that had some flaws, such as too many narrators or a narrator lacking depth, or missed words/errors that it took me out of the story a few times. I might read it again, definitely want the sequel, and will check out other books by the author. 3 stars for me is the hardest. It means the book was good, but not great for me. I finished it quickly, and possibly want the next in a series or another by that author, but I wouldn’t suggest it to someone who likes the same books as me. Good, but probably for someone else. 2 stars is seen as offensive, and I don’t know why. I’m giving you a nearly 50% rating for a book I struggled to finish. Maybe your concept and characters or good, but I had trouble with the writing style or plot. You could do a big edit and improve! 1 star is offensive, and I won’t review a book I would give one star to. One star is reserved for rating a product that arrived broken or not at all, and that s how I feel about the plots of books that earn only one star. If I never finish a book because I so disliked it, I just don’t rate it.
Here is an example of a pre-release ARC I rated this week:
“4 out of 5 stars for Gypsy by Trisha Leigh. While the story was complex with new terms and characters from the first page, it picked up quickly and never slowed down. Every time I thought I had a hold in the story, it presented a new twist.
The Cavies, or teenagers with special powers, are a wily bunch of kids with a wife range of personalities. I had a hard time holding on to their multiple names, especially when a whole new group of teens and adults were added. The standout of the group, thankfully, was the narrator Gypsy. While often shy and unsure of herself, she was also introspective and curious enough to be a reliable storyteller. I also loved seeing her navigate new situations!
While I normally dislike present tense, Gypsy was very descriptive of her surroundings, making the story flow. Between the intrigue of her investigating her own powers, and figuring out the trail of cute boys after her, I had trouble putting the book down. I laughed, cried, and gasped throughout and was left gasping to the very last line!
If you like stories similar to X-Men or The a Unbecoming of Mara Dyer, I would suggest this book to you. Leigh still has quite a bit if editing, but this ARC did not disappoint! 4/5 stars for Gypsy, and I can’t wait to read the next Cavy Files story!”I enjoyed the book even though it needed a ton of editing and I normally dislike present tense. I want to read the next one, but probably wouldn’t read the first again. I could have added that the first chapter was mostly unnecessary to the story, but that would have been an opion that helped no one, and that’s the important part of a review, to be helpful. Now let’s look at a review I gave 2 stars because there isn’t a 2.5 star choice. I could have rounded up, but it wouldn’t have been true to my rating system. You’ll see what I mean:
“When I saw the synopsis for The Only Boy I was extremely curious. As a young, passionate feminist, I used to rail about genetics having reached a point which we no longer need the male of our species. As an older, but no less passionate, wife and mother of two boys, I am willing to admit I’d like to keep them around.
The book opens with Mary, a narrator that knows how to paint the scene, then quickly switches to Taylor, who has a secret. We are meant know that Taylor is a boy before he ever speaks. While I enjoyed the concept, there was something off about the first person present tense. My favorite parts were the characters’ memories and flashbacks, as well as quotes the characters read. I realized that was because they were in past tense. If you like present tense, this book is for you! I could see how it was meant to draw you in, see the world from the characters’ points of view, but because it switched between characters every few paragraphs, that was difficult.
As the book progressed, because it was just interesting enough to keep me reading, there were a lot of parallels between what people think men are, and what is actually just human nature. We are shown through the characters words and actions that men and women are more alike than stereotypically presumed.
The story was a lot of missed cues and missed meetings. The two main characters run the gamut of emotions, including thinking they are both in unrequited love with each other after a couple of kisses. Reminiscent of Romeo and Juilet, minus the intrigue. I was annoyed that the girl was constantly trying to be prettier for the boy. Trying makeup and revealing clothes. She also changed her mind every half-day. The plus side of that was that I never knew what she was doing.
When moved to the “Earthers” I found the first truly interesting characters. Characters with depth and back stories that weren’t shallow or obvious. I wanted more of them! The ending of the book was one big climax that was oddly paced. The main characters missed each other a lot, then found each other suddenly, then it was over. The epilogue was meant to confuse until the last page, then ended abruptly.
I enjoyed the idea and the dystopian world, but in the end, the present tense was hard to read. The characters had no depth and seemed to have random development. I kept reading to know if the presumptions I had in the beginning came true, and they did. A third person past tense narrative would have made this book 3 or even 4 stars. As it is, I rate it a 2.5 out of 5″
I could have lied, but that would be dishonest and not me. The reply to my review was, “I really don’t like reading present tense, so your review was helpful to me. Thanks.” So my review fulfilled the purpose of a review, to explain to potential readers why they should read the book.
For the record, his average is 3.8, and her’s is 4.6. I feel like my reviews were not so far out there, but was told the first was too complimentary and the latter too harsh. If you like present tense, try these stories out and see if you agree or disagree. The Only Boy is available in print to order from Barnes & Noble, and Gypsy is available soon. Follow the authors on Twitter, they’re both awesome people. A review shouldn’t be personal, except that you are expressing your personal opinions.
Do you have your own set ideas about what the stars mean?



































